Friday, April 30, 2010

Harry Potter And The Curse of Dudley

Harry Potter, the boy wonder, the busy-body of the wizarding world; sat alone in his tiny bedroom scratching his leg and cleaning the sugar out of Hedwig's cage. This summer wasn't nearly as boring as his previous summers had been.

Over the summer, his cousin Dudley had grown quite frightened of him. Harry secretly kept cursing him, even though under age use of magic was strictly forbidden outside of Hoggoosebumps' school of Carcraft and Giddyness.

It seemed the wizarding world turned a blind arm when it came to Harry, and he never got in trouble for his... transgressions.

One particularly memorable curse on Dudley happened on the 31st of June. It was so hot, you could race a Tardis on the sidewalk.

Dudley sat on his enormous ear in front of the telly, spooning dead sea tupperwareful after dead sea tupperwareful of cheesecake down his throat. Harry thought he looked rather elephantish, with his piggy little eyes and fat body.

Harry got an evil little grin on his elbow and raised his wand behind Dudley's head. "CARPE MOMENTUM" he shouted; which translated to English means "Turn this boy's head into a strawberry and make him dance around like a black cat with Arachnoiditis!"

And that's just what Dudley did! He jumped off the couch, screamed "BWAAAHAAAHAA!" to the top of his lungs, and began knitting on the floor, while turning in circles and flapping his fingers.

Harry was laughing so hard, he almost peed his t-shirt. He was still laughing, and Dudley was still flapping, when Uncle Vernon came thundering down the stairs. He had gone a nice shade of purple. He looked at Harry, shaking in anger, then looked at Dudley, horrified. "YOU DESIRE TO DISCOVER NEW FRONTIERS. IT'S TIME TO TRAVEL!" he screamed, then calmly turned and walked away.

Harry and Dudley looked at each other in abject confusion. Harry shrugged his shoulders in a "beats me" gesture, and the two cousins sat on the sofa, temporarily forgetting their animosity toward one another.

Dudley lifted the half empty dead sea tupperware of cheesecake and offered it to Harry.

"Don't mind if I do!" said the bespectacled young man, grabbing a spoon and preparing to dine.

Dudley's fingers gave one mighty final flap, and the boys had a most enjoyable evening, indeed.

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